Editorials

An Official Ranking of the ‘Mad God’ Kissers

October 28th, 2022 | By Meg Shields

Putting the “gross” in engrossing, Mad God is a wordless visual nightmare that took its creator — the great Phil Tippett — thirty years to complete. A combination of stop-motion, live-action, miniatures, and all manner of dark practical magic, Mad God is what you get when the nightmare logic of 1982’s The Wall gets in a head-on collision with the bawdy beasties of Hieronymus Bosch. It’s a mechanical inferno and a labor of love. And my question is: who, out of all these goopy freaks, is the best kisser?

If you’ve seen the film, you may have a couple of questions (you know, apart from “oh god why???”). What qualifies as a character in a film this ambivalent about the line between living creatures and machinery? How do you account for monsters with, uh, ambiguous mouths? 

Be not afraid, I’ve thought of everything. Now be bold and pucker up:

#20: The Infanta

They’re a minor, you sicko, so no one should be making out with them. Personally, I’d give ‘em a little peck on the forehead … as soon as I can figure out where their forehead is.

#19: The “Monkey”

This tortured soul gets bonus points for being easy to parse. It has visible eyes, and you can tell where the mouth is. What more could you ask for? Well, if we’re being honest, a little joie de vivre wouldn’t hurt. Sure, this guy probably wants to be saved rather than smooched, but the “pick me” energy is a bit of a turn-off. Plus, it’s weird that he looks straight up like a monkey, right? We’ll kiss a blob of ambiguous flesh, sure, but a terrestrial animal? We’re not monsters. 

#18: The Puffy Dude

This little man is definitely an analog for Phil Tippet; it would make things weird (god forbid) to rank him too highly. The bigger problem is this tiny man only has one good eye, so the risk of a headbutt is high. Not having lips is also tricky. The experience might be a bit gummy.

#17: The First Explorer

I don’t know about you, but the First Explorer carelessly manhandling his precious, disintegrating map feels like a red flag. If this little dude is rough on his life-saving equipment, how the heck is he going to navigate the delicacies of not accidentally dislodging a nose piercing? Plus, not to body shame or anything, but we did get a look at your blood-shot peepers during the surgery scene, First Explorer, and I’m not sure I would ever recover from that kind of mid-smooch eye contact.

#16: The Landlady From Hell

This might be a case of too many teeth and not enough lips. Even so, I feel like the even bigger barrier to entry is the Landlady’s propensity for swinging her massive meat cleaver. If there’s a risk your head can become estranged from your neck, the kiss might not be worth it.

#15: The Foremen

It isn’t super clear which end is the front and which is the back when it comes to the Foremen. The eyes (?) on its pendulous breasts (???) also don’t answer any questions. I think we’re going to have to file this one under “the risk of fecal-oral transmission is too damn high.”

#14: The Boss Baby

No shade to those of you who can make long-distance work, but when it comes to smooching, I need things to be in the flesh. And look, even though this guy is all mouth, he literally sounds like a baby. There’s no way this freak has game.

#13: The Manicure Monarch

I fully respect this person’s commitment to wearing acrylics in the apocalypse but nothing is more of a mood killer than a nail-born injury. Those things are just begging to get tangled in someone’s hair and that sounds like a straight-up nightmare.

#12: The Techno-Spider

This speedy predator is the kind of kisser who goes for the tongue too early, I just know it. This spindly freak is the over-eager, aggressive type. It’s about the journey, not the destination, baby!

#11: The Surgeons

The surgeons might be the “most human” characters in Mad God. But they are not the most kissable. If their pilfering of the First Explorer’s guts is anything to go by, the surgeons are really sloppy smoochers. Things are sloppy enough in the world of Mad God, we don’t need to bring a greedy kiss into the mix. 

#10: The Shit Shovelers

These boys have big cages around their faces which really does limit things real estate-wise. Also, there would be no guarantee that they wouldn’t bonk you over the head with a shovel or poke your eye out during the proceedings. The risk-reward math might depend on your interest in corporeal punishment.

#9: The Manure Men

The factory workers made out of dried poop definitely suffer from the recurring Mad God problem of “not having a mouth.” Attempting to kiss these little dudes would also definitely fall into the “pink eye danger zone.” On the one hand, I think the Manure Men would be very giving kissers; they definitely exemplify the idea of teamwork making the dream work. Unfortunately, they also don’t have a lot of self-worth, what with the yeeting themselves into the jaws of death at every opportunity. Making out with someone who thinks they’re a pile of shit (even if they are, actually, a pile of shit) is kind of a buzzkill.

#8: The Wanking Doll

First off, love the energy. This little lady (?) knows how to party under any circumstances. Unfortunately, the damp of the “sewer prison” appears to have coated this plastic party animal’s skin with grime and barnacles which are a little bit of a dealbreaker. We can get over the wet, unblinking eyes but a line gets crossed at dermabrasion.

#7: The Gnomes

In Mad God it’s not always super clear how big or little things are in relation to each other. That said if we’re being realistic, these little gnomes are probably too small to logistically smooch. Admittedly this is a shame because they sound French, so they probably actually know what kissing is.

#6: The Tropical Paradise Freaks

I feel like kissing these guys would be like kissing a Jell-O mold. Sure you can kiss them, which is more than you can say for most of the weirdos on this list. But the range of motion looks like it would be limited … and possibly a more literal interpretation of the phrase “suck face.” Plus, the fact that their markings look suspiciously similar to other poisonous critters might make this smooch your last. 

#5: Factory Blobs

Where do I even begin? No. Seriously. Where do I start? Where is the mouth? Where is the butt? What am I looking at here? Even though I have no idea what’s going on anatomically with these big boys, they have a lot going for them: they are, arguably, all lip. Plus, there is a lot to hang on to. And not a tooth in sight! Arguably the softest boys in the underworld!

#4: Bucket Man

Now before you judge this squealing little predator that lives in an oil drum too harshly let’s look at the positives: Bucket Man is easily the best-dressed creature in all of “Mad God.” And yeah, sure, hunting lesser creatures is a bit off-putting, but knowing what you want and how to get it is a hot trait in theory. To be honest, I think kissing through all those Invisible Man bandages is arguably ideal given the more, uh, exposed orifices on this list.

#3: The Plague Doctor Babysitter

Once again, the inaccessibility of the mouth is an issue … one that we’re happy to overlook in the case of this universe’s resident tall goth girlfriend.

#2: The Second Explorer

The Second Explorer has a lot going for him: he’s resourceful, he can actually read a map, and he knows how to hotwire a car. These are all clear and unambiguous signs that he is a good kisser. Unlike his predecessor, he has his shit together. He shows initiative. Hot.

#1: The Ménage à Quatre

Uh, yeah. These are the only individuals having an enthusiastic, unambiguously good time in this universe. These freaks know what they’re doing.